I’ve always wondered why our words mean one thing, but our actions mean another. We can create friendships with our words, but tear down those freshly-built walls with actions that speak otherwise. It’s like that with love to. I notice that I write about love a lot, I guess it’s because without…
"All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside So let ‘em fall down. There’s freedom waiting in the sound. When you let your walls fall to the ground, We’re here now. This is where the healing begins,oh This is where the healing starts. When you come to where you’re broken within, The light meets the dark; The light meets the dark.”
Those are some lyrics for Tenth Avenue North’s song, Healing Begins.
It’s a good song - a great song. And before tonight I thought just that. I thought that it was a song with meaningful, God-filled lyrics and a catchy beat. Now, it’s something much, much more.
I find that when I listen to it now, my eyes leak and my nose runs. Not only do I realize that I have things that I hide from everyone, but I’m so broken. People may not admit that, but I’ve made my mistakes, I’m not perfect, and I’ve strayed from Grace every now and then. What’s so wrong with admitting that we’re broken? What’s so wrong with admitting that we’ve screwed up? What’s so wrong with admitting that to other people? What’s so wrong with humility? I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.
Am I feeling this way because I just got home from a Tenth Avenue North concert and some of the songs and Mike’s (Mike Donehey is the lead singer) words are still heavy on my heart? Yeah, probably. However, I hope that I can keep that intensity because I have to say that I love it.
The past year - plus a couple of months - I’ve really strayed from God. I haven’t been the person I should be. I haven’t been the Christian I should be. And I haven’t been living the life I know I should be living. I’ve been a poor example to people looking at me on how to lead a Christ-filled life. I’m ashamed of that. Sure, I can say that I’ve been doing my devotionals, but I haven’t been applying what I’ve been reading to my life. I’ve been reading it and pushing it to the side just like a school assignment that I don’t care about. The only difference between those two is my life. God cares about me, more than I can comprehend, and he wants the best for me. There’s no telling how much better my life would be if I would just not only read, but dive into His word and actually apply it to my life. It would be hard, but knowing that I have someone by my side the whole time taking care of and looking out for me, no matter what I do, would be okay. Knowing that someone still loves me, no matter how many times I screw up or how broken I am is a reason to keep going; something beautiful and wonderful is waiting on the other side of the chaos and the sorrow and the pain.
I would suffer every day living my life the way it should be lived in order to bask in God’s Grace and glory and know His unconditional love and mercy.
You see, I know a guy who I totally misunderstood. I thought he was one person, but turned out to be nothing like who I thought he was. I knew he had his flaws and whatnot - what human being doesn’t? I knew some of the things he had done. However, when it was revealed to me that there was much more to the story than what I was reading, I felt stupid and ignorant that I didn’t see these things. I won’t judge him. Like I wrote before: it’s not my place to judge. Everyone is different, and people we surround ourselves with do things that we wouldn’t expect them to (or expect them to for that matter) on a daily basis - and they might not be good things. We should still accept them though. Those people need love and healthy relationships that opens their hearts and their minds to what they’re doing. They may not realize it, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t just quit trying. It makes a difference even if they don’t notice it. It could be a feeling, an action, a word, it could be anything that makes the subtlest difference in their lives. Now I could confront my friend about this and try to make him understand what it is he’s doing and start griping him out, but that’s not who I am. You’re probably thinking: “Geez, what an awful friend. You don’t care at all.” First off, I’m sorry you think that way, but that’s my decision so you’re just going to have to deal with that. Secondly, I’ll just keep treating him the way I have been - with love and kindness and an accepting demeanor. I hear about some of the friends he hangs out with, and I know a couple of them, and I know that they’re not going to say anything other than words to encourage his lifestyle. So even if I confronted him, it probably wouldn’t make a difference. How you treat people really does matter.
"People may not remember what you say to them, but they’ll always remember how you made them feel." (That’s a quote from a teacher I had my freshman year in high school.)
Can you disagree? If you can’t then good. If you can: hear - well read - me out.
Remember a time when someone told you something or did something and it caused you to have some intense feeling of anger or happines or disappointment. Can you remember everything they told you. I know I can’t. I remember what the conversation was about and I remember a few words, but I can remember that feeling as if it were 5 minutes ago.
People may not listen to me and remember what I say because I’m a 19 year old girl with the voice of a little kid who still has a lot to learn. But I know that they’ll remember how I made them feel. Maybe I said or did something funny, that made them laugh the hardest they had in quite a while. They’ll remember that feeling of joy and it’ll make them smile. Maybe I showed them love and opened my arms to them when others judged them and pushed them away when they screwed up. They’ll remember that feeling of acceptance and make them feel welcomed and safe. Maybe I showed them kindness and acceptance when they felt like no one cared. They’ll remember that feeling of being accepted and know they have a place where they know they belong. I should treat friends, allies, and enemies the same. I should show them all the same love - God’s love. Who knows what difference it will make?
I hope that the effect I have on people reflects God’s love through me. Another thing Mike said during the concert was about God’s beauty in everything and how instead of looking into mirrors, we should be looking out into the world and at people; we need to be mirrors.
No one can understand or comprehend anything about God. Everything about Him is just too hard to fathom. We can only scratch at the surface of what we think we know about Him. But Mike made a fine point. We reflect God’s beauty and grace. When we look out into the world and see the beautiful things it has to offer, that’s His beauty. Nothing is ours. When we show someone kindness or do something good, that’s God shining through us. Believing in God is more than just saying, “Yeah I believe in Him.” It’s believing Him, trusting Him, following Him, and having faith. That’s a difficult thing to do when the world is pulling you in the opposite direction. What helps me stay grounded is knowing that He is always there by my side, no matter what’s going on in my life. When I’m kind to people and opening my heart and arms to people, that’s Him working through me - showing people acceptance even when they think they don’t -or truly don’t - deserve it. That is the grace of God - humbling us, the lowlives that we are, and showing us that no matter how often or badly we screw up, no matter how bad or good things are in our life, He still loves us, and He will never turn his back on us.
There are actually perfect words for what I’ve said. These are lyrics from another Tenth Avenue North song, Times, that convey what I’m saying perfectly.
"I hear you say, ‘My love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between. The times you doubt me, when you can’t feel, the times that you’ve questioned, ‘Is this for real?’, the times you’ve broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate Me and the times that you bend. Well my love is over, it’s underneath, it’s inside, it’s in between. These times you’re healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace, the times you’re hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and attempted to steal, in times of confusion and chaos and pain, I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame. I’m there through your heartache. I’m there in the storm. My love, I will keep you by my power alone. I don’t care where you’ve fallen, where you have been. I’ll never forsake you. My love never ends, it never ends."
I can’t not feel loved when I hear that song. The last few lines get me every time because that is the essence of who God is. He’s forgiving and loving when he doesn’t need to be - when we don’t deserve it.
I’m definitely seeing things from new eyes after last night. They’re open and ready to see things they’ve never seen before - good and bad. I hope that people will see the light in these new eyes of mine because I’ve been renewed and refreshed and ready to take on whatever comes my way. I see now that God has been speaking to me, but I’ve been so caught up in my own world and my own plans that I haven’t stopped to listen to Him. I haven’t stopped to hear Him say, “Kayla, just stop. Listen to My voice. I won’t lead you astray. There can only be one plan and that’s Mine. Things haven’t happened the way you wanted them to because you are not Me. Trust that I have a plan for you. Trust that everything is going to be okay. Trust in Me. Hold onto me, and you will never be lost again. Have faith in Me.”
Stopping in this busy world of ours proves to be a struggle. We do things because we ‘get bored’. We’re always going, going, going and we just ignore the voice of truth and reason. Slowing down and stopping for a few minutes every day isn’t a lot to sacrifice. It really isn’t. It seems like it because we want to do something else. If we stopped and did what we needed to - for only a short amount of time - our lives would improve greatly. When you have God in your life and in your heart and by your side, you can do anything. Let His light shine through and you’ll find that you’ll effect people’s lives in all sorts of unimaginable ways. It’s quite a glorious thing.
Right now I’m on fire, and I hope to keep that fire blazing. I don’t want the embers and coals to just be glowing or barely lit anymore. I’m ready to see and listen for what God is going to do through me now.
Who keeps spamming your naked word question thing? anon...
That would be facebook. It got on my nerves. However, I have changed everything so those notifications won’t keep popping up every time I do something on here. What goes on there now will only be what I put links to.
So I’m reading this book called Wraith, and I have to say: it’s not quite what I expected it to be. There’s so much to the story, but the basis of the story is that this girl named Zoe, can travel out of her body - astral travel. As I’m reading it, I think to myself: I wish I could travel out of my body like that… but only every once in a while. I want to be able to to know what people are doing and saying on occasion without them knowing I’m there. So what if it’s a little creepy, and odd? We all are from time to time anyway. Don’t even start thinking that you’re not creepy; you’re not an exception. As a matter of fact, right now, think of a time when you decided to go into creeper mode on facebook, or asked a friend to creep on a guy or girl you liked. Uh-huh, that’s what I thought…creeper. Besides the fact that I could sneak around, listen, and creep on things that I probably shouldn’t, I would be just cool. I’d be the coolest! Sure, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell a lot of people because no one knows how to keep secrets anymore, but it would be well worth it. I’d be like Peter Parker or Bruce Wayne and their secret identities and only a couple of people know their secret - except I’m a girl and I wouldn’t consider being able to go astral a super power, but a supernatural power. Haha! Oh, goodness. :) I think we all have that ability that we wish we possessed just so we could do one specific thing. Sure, there are the select few who would use their abilities for the good of mankind, but the majority would use their power for a sole purpose - for a selfish reason. You can’t really expect less out of humans though, can you? Although, you have to admit, people can surprise you from time to time. Mhmm, they sure can.
If you were in a position of lacking motivation, how would you pep yourself up to take on the day's adventures?
I lack motivation more often than I should. And I’m always sluggish until I do my devotional; some days it’s something that I need to hear - well read. It gives me the boost I need to take on the tasks for the day. Aside from that I always look forward to something that’s going to take place later that day or the day after, and that gets me moving - keeping busy makes the time go by faster.
My dearest Kayla, how did you become such a fantastic human being? There should be more of you, but sadly there is not.
Aww, well thank you for that nice compliment :) I’ve just been blessed with awesome friends and people that are in my life, and they bring out the best in me…most of the time. That and wanting to be that one person that people can remember and be like, “Hey, she was really nice to me! I needed that today,” makes me want to be the best I can be…and being a jolly, kind person makes me happy; it makes others happy; it makes the world go round! haha :)
Say, for instance, a wood chuck could chuck wood. I suppose the question is, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck, IF a wood chuck could chuck wood? You see, I do not believe that they can chuck wood, so therefore their bodies are not built for it. Take this into consideration when formulating a response.
An interesting point, that is. I have never thought about that. However if a wood chuck could chuck wood, I’d say the wood chuck could chuck about half a pound to a pound of wood an hour. That sounds like a pretty reasonable amount to me - assuming that a wood chuck could chuck wood.